


What the Heart Wants

by DirtyanonsofThedas



Series: Story Prompts for Tumblr [8]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Lost Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 10:25:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/649566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DirtyanonsofThedas/pseuds/DirtyanonsofThedas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt written for December's Follower Appreciation winner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What the Heart Wants

**Author's Note:**

  * For [muutant (tricyclops)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tricyclops/gifts).



_The Deep Roads._

How Bethany wished she had listened to her mother and stayed behind in Kirkwall instead of following her brother Elliott down into these blighted tunnels. She wasn’t sure if it was more her fear of being caught by Templars or some deep desire to hurt as many of the monsters who took her beloved twin from her that made her join the expedition. Surely she could have found refuge with Aveline somehow? Perhaps helped Merrill adjust to life in the Alienage or even stayed in the abandoned mansion in Hightown while Fenris was down here in her place…

She certainly could have had more than enough alone time with her love if she had stayed. She would have more time to laugh and to explore. _Maker knows that Isabela had plenty of books with illustrations she could use to learn even more ways to satisfy them both for hours,_ Bethany blushingly thought.

Instead, she found herself trailing behind her brothers’ companions, trying to ignore the weight of the rocks surrounding her, making her long for fresh air and the open sky. No one seemed to notice that she’s walking slower than the rest of them, or that as she struggled to breathe. When the others finally called for a rest, she was more than happy to sit on the dirty, uneven ground and try to block out her dismal surroundings. She was especially grateful for the light emanating from Anders’ staff to keep back the shadows. Maker knows that as exhausted as she was, she was in no condition to make the orb at the end of her staff do anything more than flicker for a few seconds before extinguishing.

To calm herself, she let her mind wander to the reason why she should have stayed in Kirkwall. In the back of her mind, she could hear her mother’s voice telling them over and over again, ‘ _The heart wants what the heart wants.’_ And Bethany’s heart wanted nothing more than a certain templar from the Gallows. Anyone would likely call her insane for feeling the way she did but in this, she agreed with her mother. You can’t always choose who you love.

_She had met him outside of Kirkwall when he brother was looking for Keran, a templar recruit that had gone missing. They came across two men arguing and even from far away, Bethany recalled the feeling of evil emanating from the other man. When he transformed into a demon, every fiber of her being told her to run away but when she heard her brother join in, she knew she would have to face two of her greatest fears._

_When the battle was finally done, the remaining templar lay gravely wounded on the ground. Between the lot of them, they only had one healing potion to spare so it was up to Bethany to try her hand at what limited healing she had to try to save him. As frightened as she was over having fought a demon, she had been more afraid of the man who was losing blood at an alarming rate on the ground. All of her life, her family had fought hard to keep her hidden from the Templars and there she was, about to willingly heal one._

_What surprised her most was that he didn’t flinch or move away from her when she eased his head onto her lap and that he didn’t make any attempt to stop her. In fact, he took her other hand and held it close to his chest, smelling her skin and whispering that she smelled of roses as she healed him slowly. She often wished her brother would ask the Warden Mage Anders to accompany them more but was suddenly glad that she could be of some help, even if it meant that they might need to leave Kirkwall._

_Afterwards, she hated leaving him there with her brother as she was escorted back to Kirkwall by his say-so, sandwiched between Aveline and Varric in case more Templars showed up. She regretted then that she never had a chance to ask his name._

Bethany’s grip on her staff slipped and she barely caught it in time before it fell from her hands. She couldn’t believe that she had managed to doze off but it was what she desperately needed after walking for so long. She had to believe that they would find a way back to the surface. She looked up to find the others studying the map they carried before closing her eyes once more.

_Soon after they rescued the Templar recruit, thankfully with Anders assurance that he was not possessed, Bethany learned that they would not need to leave Kirkwall as she had feared. Before leaving the Gallows, the templar she healed took her aside, within full view of her brother to thank her for saving his life. She recalled blushing as he took her hand gently and asked her name, promising that he would not report her use of magic but hoped that she would be more careful should they decide to stay. As his words sank in, she realized that he still held her hand. She finally asked his name._

_Knight-Captain Cullen._

_Bethany tried to forget him. Being a mage, she knew to avoid Templars at all cost. She had spent her entire life hiding her talents, trying to blend in so as to never be caught and taken from her family.  But whenever she heard the sound of heavy armor, in the back of her mind, she would think of him: of his shy smile and the warmth of his hand as he held hers. The feeling of his thumb as it rubbed slowly over her pulse as she healed him. Of how his fingers tightened briefly when her brother asked the others to accompany her back to Kirkwall._

_A week later, she found a single rose outside of her uncle’s home in Lowtown. They were barely scraping by, saving all of their coin to try to join the Deep Roads expedition, so she knew it could only be from one person._

“Bethany, we need to keep moving,” a voice called, waking her and bringing her back to the present.

She got slowly to her feet, waving off her brother’s hand to help her get to her feet. Instead of looking him in the eye, she busied herself with wiping dust off her robes before forcing a smile on her face to follow once more. She ignored her brother’s banter, falling back into her own thoughts.

_She kept the rose with her, carrying it in her robes for days before finally placing it in a large book she had found in the vast yet abandoned library at Fenris’ mansion to preserve it. Normally she would have mixed the petals with oils to use in her hair and on her skin, but she liked the feel of the petals on her skin, reminding her of the man who recognized the subtle scent she wore._

_Late one night, after losing a few hands of Diamondback, Bethany decided to head home early, with sweet Merrill and Isabela accompanying her. That’s when she first saw him standing not far from her home, hidden in the shadows. She waited until she was certain her companions had gone before coming back out. She smiled at him when he offered her another rose, taking her hand and kissing the back of her palm._

_They met like that several time, late at night when she should have been in bed, remembering the cool nights and openness of Ferelden. She was shocked when he finally spoke of what happened to him in the Circle of Magi and how it led him to transfer to the Free Marches. She couldn’t believe that he would want to remain as a Templar after all he had seen but secretly she was glad that it brought him to her._

_He asked about her family and she finally spoke of how she lost her twin brother after escaping Lothering. Carver had been her pillar of strength and courage. He knew her more than she knew herself. It was like losing a part of her soul. When she started to cry softly, he put his arms around her and held her until she calmed, telling her that she was braver than she realized. She recalled the feeling of his fingers under her chin and she turned to him before his lips brushed hers._

They stopped once more so Anders could check the map to make certain they were headed in the right direction. It had been a while since they felt secure enough to properly camp that Bethany was having a hard time keeping her eyes open. She leaned on her staff and closed her eyes for a moment before they moved on.

She thought back to the night before the expedition.

_She had made up her mind about joining her brother, scared that without him there she would surely be found out and taken to the Gallows. While that would put her closer to the man she had grown to love, she knew what they had would never be the same. There, they would be constantly scrutinized and she couldn’t handle never being able to simply take his hand or to kiss his lips. Or feel his body pressed close to hers and to watch him blush when she clutched at him, wanting more but afraid of going too far._

_She was no longer content with short secret meetings. Decision made, Bethany had secured a room at The Blooming Rose with Isabela’s help. That of course, required that Bethany confess who she had been meeting late at night and why she was suddenly so happy. The Hanged Man was practically a second home for her brother, a meeting place for their companions, so she knew it wasn’t the best place for her to meet her love, especially with what she had in mind. Elliott could never see Bethany as anything other than the kid sister he helped raise and protect from harm. If he had known her intentions, he would have insisted that she accompany him, as he did most nights but her mind had been made up and she was meeting Cullen at a new meeting spot._

Bethany paused to uncork her water skin, unable to ignore the need for water any longer. A single droplet escaped the corner of her mouth and slid down her cheek, reminding her of… _the caress of Cullen’s hand on her face before he kissed her that last night together._

_Of how his hands trembled and she laughed softly as he fumbled with the laces of her robes. He kissed her shoulder, causing her to shiver at the feel of his lips on her bare skin. Of how his eyes darkened as she turned to him, letting her dress pool around her feet as she stood before him in only her small clothes. She was trying her best not to blush as she looked at him, seeing the desire in his eyes match her own._

Bethany shivered.

_She loved the feel of the coarse linen of his tunic shirt as he wrapped his arms around her, drawing her closer to his body and she knew that he wanted her just as much as she wanted him. She could feel his desire as he stood pressed against her, felt him hard through his breeches. Bethany wanted to feel more of his skin and pulled at the hem out of his breeches, making him remove it so she could trail her fingers down his chest. She traced lightly over scars until she found the one that she had healed, leaning to brush her lips over it, causing him to shiver._

_But she also knew that he was just as inexperienced she was in his hesitation. She took his hands and gently placed them on her breasts. She watched as he palmed them over the material of her ban before slipping his hands under the material, caressing them as she moaned and arched into his touch. He moved the ban completely off her breasts, whispering her name before taking her nipple into his mouth. Her knees felt weak at the tug of his mouth and she finally moved back from him slightly, tilting her head as she pulled him with her towards the bed._

Bethany stumbled again, hating her surroundings. She hated the Deep Roads. She hated the dark and the damp that made it hard for her to breath. She hated the sounds coming from all around her and not knowing what they were until it was too late to avoid another fight. Most of all, she hated that death seemed to come from the very ground they walked on. She wanted nothing more than to be back in that bedroom once more, wrapped in Cullen’s arms.

_To feel Cullen nipping and kissing her neck, her jaw and her throat as he settled his weight over her, with her smiling assurance that he wasn’t crushing her. To feel the length of him pressed so close as she spread her legs for him and told him how much she wanted him. Of how he paused when her breath hitched, to ask if the pain was too much when she really wanted was for him to continue filling her. It was nothing but a brief flash of pain that quickly led to pleasure. The feeling of how he stretched her, moving above her slowly, watching her, the steady roll of his hips as he thrust, slowly and gently at first then with more intensity as the pleasure between them built up. Of how her hands clutched at his back, nails digging in and her legs tightened around his hips, meeting him as she called out his name…_

This time when she stumbled she couldn’t keep herself from falling and she landed hard on the ground.

_“Bethany!”_ her brother called out as he knelt by her side. “Anders, she’s sick! Please do something!” he pleaded as he cradled her in his arms.

Bethany stared up at her brother, feeling his tears as they fell onto her face. She tried desperately to reach up to him to brush them away but her arms would no longer obey. She watched as something in her big strong brother cracked at seeing her lying there helpless in his arms while Anders tried to help her. She could feel the warmth of his magic but felt no difference of it helping within her. Nor could she feel a reaction from the magic within herself to try to heal herself.

“…the only way to help her now…”

She only heard a little bit of what Anders was telling her brother as she started to fade in and out. She felt Elliott tremble as he gathered her up and followed Anders, hoping that what he suggested would help her return to the love she left behind.


	2. Broken Souls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the first part was written, I kept seeing poor Cullen trying to get over Bethany. I couldn't get it out of my head so I decided to add this second part to the prompt giveaway.

_Months later…_

It was well after midnight when a heart-broken man tried to forget all that he’s lost at the Rose. Once his duty was all that he needed; it had defined who he was. But that was before he met Bethany Hawke and realized that there was more to life than just duty. Cullen never believed that he could ever find happiness in Kirkwall. He found had love in her smile, her laughter, in her touch and most of all, in her gentleness. She was everything he ever found to be good and pure. It was because of her that made him want to become a better man.

He tried not to show her how disappointed he was when she told him she had decided to go with her older brother Elliott into the Deep Roads. He knew she feared being found out and brought to the Gallows while her brother was away and if that ever happened, there would be nothing that Cullen could do to help her. He didn’t pretend that things would be easier if she were there, knowing all too well that they could never truly be together under such scrutiny. He also knew what being in the Gallows would do to one as gentle as Bethany. So instead he kissed her deeply and held her close to his chest, listening to her breath even out as she fell asleep in his arms. Had he known that this would be the only night he would ever sleep by her side, he would not have wasted it with sleep.

For weeks he suffered, not knowing how things were with her. He worried constantly and for once, he stopped caring solely about his duty. He skipped meals, had trouble sleeping and tried hard to ignore his trembling from lyrium withdrawal. Keran, the Templar recruit that Bethany and her brother rescued, had taken to stopping by his office with a small tray of food.  When he found himself arguing with a few of the enchanters over trivial things, he started to rely on his lieutenants to take over a few of his duties as he struggled to keep his emotions in check. Soon all he wanted was her safe return, away from the monsters that had killed her twin brother back in Ferelden. He knew that Hawke would do everything in his power to protect her, but he couldn’t help but worry about the many things that could still go wrong.

When he received word that Elliott Hawke had been spotted once more in Kirkwall, his heart sang with the thought of seeing her again. That night he left the Gallows, rushed to her uncle’s home and waited for hours without ever seeing her. Cullen returned each night for a week before finally seeking out Hawke at The Hanged Man. He was shocked to find he had returned a changed man. It was obvious that he was drunk, surrounded by his concerned companions yet still without Bethany. When he finally got up the courage to ask nervously for her, Hawke lunged at Cullen, pressing a knife to his throat and shouted at him with tear filled eyes. The words he said barely registered as Hawke’s companions struggled to pull the warrior away, a cloth pressed hastily to his throat to stop the bleeding. The last words he yelled as they carried him to a private room upstairs were that _Bethany would never fear becoming a Circle mage under the tyranny of Meredith._

His companion, the Warden mage Anders, whom Cullen remembered from the Ferelden circle, sadly informed him of Bethany’s fate as he healed the cut Hawke had made. She had been tainted in the Deep Roads and was now with the Grey Wardens. If she survived the Joining, she would need to remain with them. He was completely numb as he left the Hanged Man, hearing those words in his mind over and over again.

  _If she survived the Joining…_

Cullen did not dare to ask Hawke about Bethany ever again after that night. Instead he sought out Anders again, asking if there had been news and if there were truth to the stories he had heard about the Grey Warden order. From the little that he had found out on his own, it wasn’t a life that he ever wished for her to be forced to lead. To have to fight the tainted monsters in the dark tunnels that once belonged to the dwarven kingdom. And according to Anders, eventually die from the very taint that changed her.

For months, everything that reminded Cullen of her would feel like a knife twisting in his body. At night he woke repeating her name under his breath. He grew careless in his duties and had been reprimanded by the Knight-Commander for getting into an altercation with templars he had overheard pointing to various mages, ones they could ask for “favors” instead of turning them in discreetly. He tried desperately to forget her in every way possible. Finally, he became numb and eventually, his heart grew cold.

Occasionally Cullen would need to pass the Rose on his way back from the Viscount’s Keep. Each time, he hurried away quickly when it brought to mind the night he had spent there with Bethany. He went out of his way to avoid it as much as he could, until late one night he forced himself to go inside. He sat in one of the empty tables, ordering more than a few overpriced drinks and turning away the whores who approached him before leaving. He did this for weeks before Madam Lusine herself sat down with him and asked why he turned her girls away when he was a man obviously in need of companionship. When she called a specific girl over, Cullen finally allowed himself to be taken to one of the back rooms.

At first, Cullen worried that his body wouldn’t respond as it had with Bethany. He begrudgingly admitted that she was beautiful yet was grateful that in every way, she and Bethany were nothing alike. This woman had blonde hair with blue eyes and seemed to know exactly what he needed to take that final step. In the end she was well worth the money he paid but she would never be the woman he loved. In fact, he was surprised that he felt nothing. It was merely fulfilling a baser need that he had denied himself now that she was no longer in his life.

From then on, he returned regularly, bedding a different woman every time, looking for one that he preferred over the others. It was costly but at least he knew that here the sheets were clean and the workers frequently bathed. From what he had overheard from one of the other customers, regularly checked over by a healer. The same could not be said if one approached one of the women found around the docks late at night. Cullen told himself that with each one, he could forget her a little more.  

The woman he eventually favored didn’t feel the need to be vulgar, chat with him or even ask what he liked. She wasn’t unnecessarily loud while they rutted. He never kissed her and he never called her by name. When he came, it was another name he cried out.

She knelt before him and he had his hands tangled up in her dark hair as she worked her mouth over his cock. His eyes were shut tight as he tried to forget the look of sympathy that Jethann gave him earlier. The elf was the only worker at the Rose that Cullen hadn’t bedded. He was the most requested and if the stories were true, the best. In truth, it wasn’t the outrageous amount he charged that kept Cullen away but that look that Jethann gave him every time. Because he knew the real reason why Cullen felt dead inside.

Cullen looked down at the woman, watching as his cock slide deeper into her mouth and feeling his gaze, she stared up at him. For the briefest moment he thought he saw that her eyes had changed to an amber brown. He pulled her head back off him, looking again at her eyes but they were in fact, dark green, not the one he had imagined at all. He shook his head, releasing his hold on her hair and told her to get to her feet as he removed his tunic shirt and tossing it with discarded trousers. She got up slowly, pulled off her blouse before turning to walk to the bed nearby. Instead, Cullen stopped her, wrapping his arms around her and placing his hands on her breasts, pinching her nipples and stroking them as he steered her instead to the desktop.

She gripped the desktop as she spread her legs and bent forward at the waist. He reached down and yanked her skirt up around her waist before grabbing his cock and sliding his length against her. He teased her briefly by rubbing her clit with his crown before stepping back and guiding himself fully into her, not pausing to let her adjust to him. Unlike his first time with Bethany, Cullen was no longer felt the need to be gentle, liking the sounds of their flesh contacting and of the desk hitting the wall with each hard thrust. He leaned forward and grabbed her breasts, digging his fingers into the soft mounds of flesh hard enough to leave marks before reaching down between her legs as well.

Cullen felt her tighten around his cock as she cried out and he followed with his own climax moments later, thrusting hard and deep inside of her. He was sweating and breathing hard as he pressed both of them against the table until he calmed. He placed his hand on her hip as he moved back from her and allowed her skirt to fall down her legs as she also stood. He didn’t speak to her as he gathered his clothes, dressing quickly and silently before leaving.

“Thank you, Messere,” was all she said when he left the usual payment. 2 sovereigns that would go directly to Madam Lucine, and an additional sovereign just for her. He never used the Templar discount that was offered.

It was all she ever said to Cullen.

He left the Rose quickly, not wanting to run into anyone who might recognize him but standing on the stairway leading to Lowtown was a figure he recognized. It was the Darktown mage that could often be found at Elliott Hawke’s side, the champion’s lover. Cullen nodded in acknowledgement and tried to pass without speaking to when he quickly moved to stand in his way.

“Did you know that Bethany was here the night the Arishok attacked Kirkwall?” Anders asked when he tried to move around him.  Cullen sighed. He had heard the rumor after the Wardens had left the area but there was little he could do unless he was willing to abandon his place at the Gallows. He had burned all ties to the Circle of Magi at Kinloch Hold and it was doubtful that the Knight-Commander would ever allow him to leave without a valid reason.

“She could barely spare time to speak to her brother but she stopped to ask for you. It would break her heart to see what you’ve become, Knight-Captain,” Anders said as he moved to give Cullen room to pass. “She still loves you, even if she is now a Warden.”

“What would you suggest I do?” he asked quietly. “My place is here.”  
“It is because you choose it to be. You won’t find love at the Rose, regardless of how much money you’re willing to pay. There may come a time when you must think if your place is supporting a tyrant or standing by the side of the woman you loved,” he said, using the same words Hawke had thrown at him as he climbed the stairs and walked slowly in the direction of Hawke’s mansion.

_Still loves you…_

Cullen mulled over the mage’s words as he continued on to the dock area, back towards the Gallows. What had started off as an evening of trying to forget what he had lost brought it all crashing back with just three little words, ones he had hoped to tell Bethany upon her return from the expedition. Words he never had a chance to say.

As he slowly made his way up the Gallows steps, he knew he would never return to the Rose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a part in the first story that I cut out but now wish I had kept in so it needs to be explained here. While in the Deep Roads before Bethany becomes noticeably sick, Anders confronts her about her relationship with Cullen. Since she's never been in a Circle, she's hadn't experienced firsthand what other Templars had put mages through. He tells her that no matter what Cullen feels about her, he would likely do nothing to help her. She admits that she joined the expedition because she didn't want to take that chance and that she would rather die than get placed in the Gallows.  
> In the Hanged Man, when Cullen gets the courage to ask after Bethany...well let's just say that Elliott had known about her relationship with Cullen. He was angry because as much as she loved him, he didn't convince her to stay.

**Author's Note:**

> When Muutant first gave me Bethany and Cullen as a pairing, I warned her that I didn't see them as a happy couple and that it would be dark. Thankfully, that was something she was okay with.  
> The Elliott Hawke that is mentioned is her Warrior Hawke.


End file.
